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The Importance of Self-Image

This week I want to talk with you about self-image. And this is a concept that I really find fascinating because when you think about it, your self-image literally sets the tone for everything in your life. It’s an essential and vital part of life coaching and personal development. And without an understanding of it and how it impacts you, it may be the very thing that keeps you from achieving what you want to accomplish in life.

What is self-image?

Self-image is essentially the way in which you perceive yourself. It’s who you believe you are. It’s not simply the reflection in the mirror - it’s much deeper than that. And it’s something that is created over time.

How Self-Image is Created

So to start with, let’s talk about how your self-image is created. And bear with me - we are going to get a little science-y here but I’ll try to break it down as simply and directly as possible. There are three main things that contribute to one’s self-image.

The 3 Components of Self-Image

The first is the way you perceive yourself. The second is the way you perceive other people’s perception of you. So it’s what you think other people believe about you. And the third is the way that you would like to perceive yourself. This could be considered who you ideally wish to be or your future self. This is who I refer to when I talk about your future first class self. (And for those of you who don’t know what that is, visit my show notes and click on the link to download my free training and workbook on your future first-class self.)

To recap, there are three components that contribute to your self-image - the way you perceive yourself, the way you think others perceive you, and the way you wish to be perceived.

Ideally we want these three components to be harmonious with one another. When they are out of alignment with each other, they can create internal conflict which can cause you to feel, think, and act in ways that are out of alignment with your core values.

The 6 Dimensions of Self-Image

So there are three components that make up your holistic self-image but there are also 6 dimensions on which self-image can be interpreted. And these were concluded by a woman named Suzaan Oltmann.

The first dimension is the physical - this is how we evaluate our physical appearance. The second dimension is psychological - this is how we evaluate our personality. The third dimension is intellectual - this is how we evaluate our intelligence. The fourth dimension is based on skills - this is how we evaluate our social or technical skills and talents. The fifth dimension is moral - this is how we evaluate our principles or morals - it’s how we evaluate our guiding compass. And the sixth final dimension is sexual - this is how we feel that we are fitting into society’s masculine or feminine norms.

To recap, there are 6 dimensions - physical, psychological, intellectual, skill, moral, and sexual.

To simplify it - self-image is how you see yourself. It’s what you think about yourself. It’s how you feel about yourself. It’s what you think and feel about in terms of your appearance, your personality, your abilities, and your environment. It’s what you believe is possible for yourself. It’s what you think you deserve or not. It’s how you see and interpret the world around you.

Positive vs. Negative Self-Image

It can be pretty straightforward to identify a positive or a negative self-image. Someone with a positive self-image sees themselves as attractive, believes they are smart, feels that they are skilled. They likely feel aligned with the ideal perception of themselves and they probably perceive that other people see them that way as well.

Someone with a negative self-image likely sees themselves as unattractive, unintelligent, and unskilled. They feel like they are far away from being their ideal self and that other people agree that they are unattractive, unintelligent, and unskilled.

But sometimes this is not always so straightforward - self-image is a complex concept that can be created from multiple inputs on multiple dimensions and can be developed over many years. It’s not something that is static but continuously changing and morphing based on our experiences.

So it’s not so simple to say you either have a positive or negative self-image. In some cases, people experience distorted self-image where the perception of themselves is not rooted in reality. This may be seen in body dysmorphia where a person’s interpretation of their appearance is more dramatic or overstated than the actual situation. Other times, it’s not so severe but there may be instability with one’s self-image. Symptoms of this may show up as boredom, fear, anxiety, worry, depression, self-destructive behavior, and more.

Why Self-Image is Important

Ok we’re done with all the science stuff. So you’ve just heard all the technical psychology behind it all, but now we’re to the point where you’re probably asking yourself, “So what? Why is our self-image important? Why should we even care?”

I’ll tell you why. Because the way that you perceive yourself sets the stage for what is possible and not possible for you in life. It is the determining factor of whether or not you’ll achieve something that you want.

You can only create what you want in the world to the edge of your self-image.

I’m going to say that again because it’s that important.

We can only create what we want in life to the edge of our self-image.

And I speak on this from personal experience. I am a living example of this. I know what it takes to change. I know what the self-doubt and the insecurity and the fear of not being perfect and not being enough looks like. I’ve been on the dark side of this coin and come out the other side as a completely transformed, new woman.

And my work’s not done. It will never be done. It’s a constant fluid process of continuing to better myself.

How Self-Image Affects our Everyday

So right now, maybe this feels very lofty and maybe you’re thinking, “This doesn’t really affect me so much. It’s not determining my overall outcome in life.” But I’d like to challenge that thinking. I’d like to suggest that our self-image affects us so deeply that it impacts our lives every day. And little things in our lives compound day after day, resulting in our reality.

Consider a pilot in the cockpit. There’s a system that she uses called autopilot. She can override autopilot when needed but in general, when left alone, the plane will just fly along the parameters set by the autopilot.

Similarly, consider a thermostat. It’s a system that maintains a consistent temperature in your house. Yes, you can override the temperature, but when left alone, the house will maintain the temperature set by the thermostat.

Here’s one more example. My dad used to have some property in Louisiana - it was a beautiful old historic plantation home called Lisburn Hall. To get to this property, there was a long dirt road leading up to the house. When it rained, the car tires would create ruts in the road. Even after the dirt dried, the ruts still remained - so much so that when you’d drive on this road, your car would almost steer itself within these ruts.

Or think about a car wash - when you put your car in neutral and pull up, someone guides you to steer your car onto these tracks. Once your wheels are in the tracks, you can let go of the wheel and the car gets taken through the car wash.

All of these are examples of your self-image. Your self-image is like a system that you’ve created for your brain that’s steering your thoughts and feelings and ultimately actions. If the parameters that you’ve set for yourself state that you’ll only make $50,000 in a year, that’s all you’ll create. Why? Because those are the parameters that you’ve set for yourself. That’s the boundaries of where you’ve set your self-image.

You can only accomplish what you believe is possible for yourself. If you have a story about yourself that you can’t lose weight, you won’t. You can diet and do all the things, but you will never be able to achieve lasting results because your self-image has been set to the tune of you’re an overweight woman.

This happens in relationships too. If you have a story about yourself that you’re not good at love, you will push someone away. The house is literally getting too hot, so your thermostat (or your self-image) will kick in and cool you down, along with the relationship.

Does this make sense? Your self-image sets the boundaries for what is possible in your life. It’s ultimately what is creating your entire life.

And what I find most fascinating about this topic is that most people are not even aware of their self-image. Yet it’s what’s setting the tone for your entire life.

How to Expand Our Self-Image

But I don’t want that for you. My Jet Set Society ladies are women who want more for their lives. They want extraordinary lives full of adventure and excitement. They want to feel fulfilled. And they want to have fun.

And in order for us to create this, we have to expand the boundaries of our self-image. Only then can we realize what’s possible for us, and only then can we create the extraordinary lives of our dreams.

Look Inside Yourself

So here’s what we typically try to do when we want to change our self-image. We try to change and control what’s outside of us first. And let me tell you from experience - it will never ultimately work.

Those of you who know me probably have heard my transformation story but there may be some of you new to The Jet Set Society, so let me give you some background.

From a very young age, I was a raging perfectionist - and yes, I purposefully use the word ‘raging’ because it was excessive. There was never an expectation placed on me by my family to be perfect, but I had come to associate over the years that physical achievements in my outside world determined my worthiness. This was not taught to me. It was just something that I observed and adopted into my belief system. (Which I now look back on and realize it was a belief that didn’t serve me.)

So I had come to believe that my self-image - my sense of worth - was based solely on my physical appearance and my achievements, like grades and awards. Because of this belief, I developed a very serious eating disorder. My entire life became about control - controlling my habits, my routine, the people around me, everything.

And I believed that this would make me happy. This would make me worthy.

But it didn’t.

It did the reverse. It only made me more depressed. It made me isolated. It made me boring. You see, I thought that if I could just do all the things and be perfect on the outside, then I would be extraordinary. But it kept me small. It kept my world small. The boundaries of my self-image were so stringent that it was suffocating. It kept me miserable and ordinary.

So we have to look into ourselves first. And we have to start by accepting ourselves now in this very moment as perfect. As worth. As enough.

And that’s what I had to start practicing - day in and day out - telling myself that I was worthy today. At first, it was hard. The ruts that my self-image had created were deep. But I was determined to reach beyond the small boundaries that I had set for myself.

I had to start thinking and feeling like a woman who loved her body. I had to start thinking and feeling like a woman who had close friends. I had to start thinking and feeling that my report card grades had nothing to do with my self-worth. And when I began doing this and practicing this, the result began to be reflected back to me. Then one day, I looked in the mirror, and there was no more practicing. I just was. I finally had become a woman who felt like enough.

So I now know that when I want to create something outside of myself, I must first look within. That change has to start within me.

Focus on Your Future

Another challenge that people face when they want to expand the boundaries of their self-image is that they look into their past to try and create change for their future. When we look at the story of who we are in our past, we will continue to create the results that we saw in the past.

Your current self-image is probably based right now on past experiences, past beliefs, and past thoughts. Which makes sense, right? Because remember the three components that make up self-image - it’s how we perceive ourselves, how we think others perceive us, and how we want to ideally be perceived. Two out of the three are generally based on past experiences.

But what I want for you is to focus on the third, most powerful component - how you ideally want to be perceived. Who your future self is. The more you can focus on that woman’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, the faster you’ll become her.

Tapping into the energy of that future self, your ideal self, is how we create a new self-image.

Keep Practicing

But here’s the caveat - and the third reason why people find it so difficult to change their self-image.

It requires continuous practice. And you’re going to fail a lot. And that’s okay.

I mentioned to you earlier how I struggled with an eating disorder. And it got to the point where I so desperately wanted to be normal around food and exercise again. I didn’t want it to dictate my entire life anymore. But my ruts were deep.

I had to actually practice being normal around food. I had to visualize how my ideal self would act around food in social settings. I watched how other girls in my sorority would interact with food - they’d eat when they were hungry and they’d stop eating when they were full. It was so simple right? They didn’t have any of this mental drama around it. It was something fun and social and enjoyable.

I had been restricting and binging so much around food that if I allowed myself to eat, I’d go crazy and eat until my stomach hurt. I couldn’t fully engage with anyone around me because I was thinking about what I would eat next. Or what I couldn’t eat.

And I failed a lot. As I was practicing on channeling the new me, I was frequently met with a barrage of thoughts from my old self-image. Thoughts like, “You’ll never be normal around food. This is too hard - it’s easier to just control. If you don’t control your calories, people won’t like you and you won’t be enough.”

Some days I was stronger than others. Some days I could quiet the voices while other days they were screaming at me. But when I practiced over and over, there finally came a day when I just was me again. Today, I don’t have any more mind drama about food. I’m no longer obsessing over it. I enjoy it when it’s time to eat, and I stop eating when I feel satiated. I can go to a party and actually engage with people in the present, without having obsessive thoughts about food. And the reason I’ve been able to overcome this eating disorder is because I changed my self-image.

Because I’ve created these shifts in my self-image, my life now is completely different. I could have never gotten to where I am today with my old self-image still intact. Had I maintained that old self-image, I wouldn’t have the career success I’ve had, I wouldn’t have found the love of my life, and I wouldn’t have the dear friends that I have. I would have been constantly fighting with myself to this day about food because my old self-image would have kept trying to keep me within the confines of the limits that I had created for myself.

But when I expanded the boundaries of my self-image, I grew with it. And I continue to expand those boundaries and push what I believe is possible for myself because I want to constantly keep evolving my self-image.

You Don't Need Fixing

Now I want to make it very clear that you are not broken, and you don’t need fixing. I believe that the practice of expanding your self-image is about coming back to your true self. There was nothing wrong with me ever - even in the days of my eating disorder. Could I have been honoring my body better at that time? Yes. But I was always still worthy and enough. The self-image that I had created for myself was telling me that I wasn’t enough.

So when we work to expand our self-image and evolve, we are really come closer to who we really are. We are consciously letting go of all the baggage and that false stories that we have clung onto for so long. I know that I am good enough. If I continued being exactly who I am today for the rest of my life, I’d continue to be worthy and enough - no matter what. But I think the process of evolving our self-image is fun and exciting. I’m curious about what’s next.

When we step into an expanded version of ourselves - the best possible version of ourselves - it enables us to live extraordinary lives.

Today, I don’t want to continue evolving because I think something is wrong. I want to continue evolving because I want to know what’s possible for me to achieve in a lifetime. I want to see who I can become and who I can help along the way.

It’s an art and a science. We are the artists and the creators of our own life. So why not design it intentionally? Why not create an extraordinary life of grace and elegance?

We have the power to look into our future and use our imagination and creativity to design the woman of our dreams.

What does she wear?
Who does she spend time with?
How does she spend her free time?
What does her environment look like?
What books does she read?
What kind of thoughts does she think?
When she looks into the mirror, who does she see?

Once you’ve identified those things, start to breathe life into that image. Live in that image of yourself. You don’t have to do it all at once. It may even feel foreign and uncomfortable. Your brain may even start telling you that this is a lie and that you’re being a fraud. But recognize that that is your past self-image speaking. Those thoughts are coming from a past story of yourself.

And let me emphasize that this isn’t a show of extreme make-over. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Little by little, day by day, you make little changes that will add up to big changes. And one day, you’ll look in the mirror and realize that you are her. It won’t require any practice. You just are. And it will feel comfortable.

The Importance of Self-Image

So my friends, here’s what I want for you to walk away with today. You can only create to the edge of your self-image. You can only create within the boundaries of how you see and think about yourself.

If you’ve been struggling to see real, lasting change within yourself, look inside yourself first. The change must start first within yourself, not outside of yourself. And this can apply to anything - weight loss, writing that book, starting that company, launching that website or podcast. It starts with a look inside of your self-image.