woman walking by herself in asia at dawn

This blog post was originally a transcript from a podcast recording. Listen to the full episode below. Subscribe today!

How to Enjoy Your Own Company (Whether You’re Traveling or Not!)

My fiance, Jordan, went out of town last weekend. Now, I adore my time with Jordan, but I must admit that I quite enjoy my solo time too. Personally, I love being alone. I’ve been at peace with being solo for a long time.

But I realize that’s not the case for everyone. And as we have been forced to be alone more this year than ever due to lockdowns and COVID-19, I wanted to share with you how I enjoy my own company (both when I’m traveling solo and when I’m at home) and how you can view this experience as an opportunity for growth, rather than something to be feared.

During these trying times, it’s important to learn how to be your own best friend. And I want to help you realize that.

There have been times when I didn’t enjoy my own company - especially when I’m fighting a bout of depression. In those moments, my negative thoughts can swallow me up and I drown in negativity where I mentally beat myself up for not being enough in some way, shape, or form.

And these moments don’t come without consequences. They can manifest themselves in how you relate to others, whether at work, at home, or elsewhere.

So on the episode this week, I want you to discover how you can be your own best friend and find peace with that notion.

“Learn to be alone and to like it. There is nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.”

— Mandy Hale

And I wholeheartedly agree with this quote! I love the sense of independence and friendship that I find within myself. When you can fully embrace this concept, you no longer rely on others to create your happiness. And that is a powerful thing.

But in order to fully understand what it means to really be alone with yourself and your thoughts, you need to imagine yourself on a deserted island with no distractions around - no book, no phone, no T.V.

When you picture that, how do you feel? Now, I do enjoy my own company, it’s true, but then you tell me that I can’t take anything stimulating from the outside world with me? Then it gets a little less exciting, right?

So imagine yourself completely solo - alone in nature. Do you think you’d enjoy that? Or would you find it difficult?

For some of you, this may even sound scary - almost like torture.

Many of us don’t want to sit alone with our thoughts. Because our thoughts aren’t positive and they then cause us to act in ways that we come to regret.

For example, if your thoughts are negative, they will start to cause unhappy emotions. Consequently you may react to these unhappy feelings by overeating or overdrinking. Then you come to feel even worse about yourself as a result and it becomes a never-ending cycle.

Others may try to escape their own thoughts by being workaholics. When they’re alone with their negative thoughts, they make you feel unhelpful emotions, and then you react by pouring yourself into work to distract yourself.

Or another common one I see, especially with women, is that they pour themselves into relationships - either with friends or a significant other or with family - in actual attempts to distract themselves from being by themselves.

But you see - all of these are distractions. When you don’t enjoy your own company, you’ll seek out almost anything else to avoid really being alone with your thoughts.

Now none of these things are inherently bad - food, work, relationships. In fact, I love all three of those things! But it’s the why behind these activities that makes the difference.

Are you eating because you’re hungry or are you trying to make yourself feel better emotionally?
Are you working because you’re inspired and motivated or are you trying not to be alone with your own thoughts?
Are you investing in your relationships in order to spend quality time with loved ones or are you doing it to distract yourself from being by yourself?

I have an uncle who lives completely off the grid. I know he lives in New Mexico, but he has a P.O. box so I don’t even have his home address. He lives completely alone - no partner, no kids, and no one else in my family lives in New Mexico. I know at one point he had a dog, but I’m not even sure if he still does today.

Now your immediate thought is probably, “How lonely he must be.” But he’s not. He’s lived this way the majority of his life. He understands how to enjoy his own company.

I’ll share another example. Jordan and I are childfree, and we are very happy being childfree. Personally, I think that the definition of family comes in many ways, shapes, and forms. Although the vast majority of people get married, then start having kids, it is still absolutely a choice and some people like myself choose not to.

I’ve always been happy to share this with people because I think the decision to not have kids should be more normalized in society. When I said this to someone at work one time, they responded with, “But what about when you’re old? Who will take care of you? Won’t you be lonely?”

And I said, “I’ve always loved my own company. The relationship I have with myself is full of curiosity, excitement and growth, and I’m fully satisfied with that.”

You see, the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. If you can’t be happy with your own company, you’ll find yourself unhappy in the company of others too. If you’re not treating yourself with respect, how can you expect that others will treat you that way?

It’s a harsh reality but you come into the world with yourself and you leave this world with yourself. If you’re constantly looking for ways to avoid being with yourself, you’ll never truly be content.

Contentment and peace comes from within. Things in your outside world may seem to give you peace, but they are always fleeting. Lasting peace and calm comes from inside yourself. It comes from the decision to fully accept and love yourself.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. If you can’t get along with yourself, you’ll continually find yourself at odds with others.

As people entered lockdown earlier this year, many people were finally forced to be alone with themselves. For many, they hadn’t had to be alone with themselves for a long time, maybe even in years. And they felt bored. They felt frustrated. They felt irritated. Ultimately they felt uncomfortable - immensely uncomfortable. Because they didn’t enjoy being alone with their thoughts. If you can relate, if you were one of these people, this is what you need to work on - how to enjoy your own company.

And this is the great thing about learning how to enjoy your own company - you’ll always have a best friend in yourself. You can have fun in any environment. You can relax in every environment. Because you’re never alone. You have yourself and you don’t need anything else in your life in order to have fun or feel fulfilled.

Isn’t that a liberating feeling? It means that you don’t need other people to be happy. You can choose to be around others for the quality experience but you don’t rely on that in order to be happy.

This is one of the many reasons why I can easily travel solo and love traveling solo. I don’t feel alone - I feel like I have my best friend sitting next to me in the plane, train, or car. Think of your best friend right now - you love her company because you feel like you can be yourself around her, you can laugh to tears with her, you always have the best time with her. You need to be that person for yourself. Scratch that - you don’t need to be, you get to be that person for yourself.

How to Become Your Own Best Friend

You see, it’s an opportunity for growth. How can you become your best friend? Write down all the things you love about your best friend. What do you love about them? How do they make you feel? How do they interact with you and how do they treat you?

After you’ve written all of those things out, reflect on them because that’s how you need to be with yourself.

Here’s what I wrote about my best friends:

They make me smile and laugh.
They bring me joy.
They inspire and motivate me to be my best self.
They encourage me when I feel nervous or doubtful.
I feel calm and at ease around them.
I trust them and they trust me.
They “get” me.
They help me feel gratitude.
I can be myself around them.
They don’t judge me.
They have my back and are there for me when I need them.
They’re fun to be around and they make me feel good about myself.
We share a mutual love for one another.
We can have conversations where we disagree but we are always still respectful of each other and our opinions.
They accept me for who I am.

You should be that for yourself for every single one of these. You’ve got to do that for yourself. I’m not saying that you should replace your friends with yourself and become a hermit. No, I’m saying that you should be those things for yourself first, then surround yourself with amazing best friends to reinforce that. Or maybe you don’t have those best friends in your life right now. The good news is, you don’t have to wait around for them to come. When you can be those things for yourself, you won’t rely on others for happiness. Ultimately, you must believe in yourself and accept yourself before anyone else can.

Acceptance

It’s a little ironic but in order to change ourselves, we must accept ourselves. Seems counter-intuitive right? It seems like if we are to change ourselves in order to enjoy our own company, we need to fight something within ourselves or battle it out. We seem to think that change requires force. But it’s the opposite. Change lies in acceptance. When we can fully accept and love ourselves, the path for growth and enlightenment becomes clear.

“Acceptance is the road to all change.”

— Bryan McGill

And again, your brain wants to fight this notion, right?

I love this other great quote -

“Acceptance makes an incredible fertile soil for seeds of change.”

— Steve Maraboli

Since I’m slowly becoming a plant lady, I can certainly appreciate this quote. Acceptance is the foundation from which change and growth comes from.

What if your best friend was constantly saying to you, “You need to change. That won’t work. That’s not good enough. I don’t like the way you are. Change so I will like you more.”

How awful would that be? You’d probably stop being that person’s friend, right? But that’s usually the voices that we have in our own heads. The friend you are in yourself is not being a very good friend to you, is she?

So we have to first bring awareness to these negative thoughts that you’re telling yourself again and again. Stop that bad friend in her tracks and tell her that you’ve got a new best friend. And she’s telling you, “You’re enough. Keep going. I like you exactly the way you are. I love you no matter what. You’ve got this. There’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.”

When we become aware of the negativity of our thoughts, we can start to change those thoughts to ones of positivity. What could you accomplish in life if you were able to unconditionally love and accept yourself? You’d become unstoppable, right?

Trust

Another interesting aspect of a best friend that we struggle with being for ourselves is trust. Many of us don’t enjoy our own company because we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t hold ourselves accountable. We lack discipline in the areas that we want it.

This is one that I personally struggle with more often than the acceptance piece. I have made promises to myself that the next day I’m going to get up early, exercise, eat healthy, and check off everything on my priority list for that day, and then I end up sabotaging the entire day. Not being able to trust yourself is a disturbing feeling, right? It feels out of control and chaotic. It can feel scary to not believe in your ability to keep your promises to yourself.

Because if that’s true, how will you ever be able to follow through with your hopes and dreams and goals? But when you can grow into a woman that keeps her promises to herself, you can really enjoy your own company.

When you can trust yourself, you know that you’ll show up for yourself and follow through without any doubts or fears. It takes practice, but the wonderful news is - you can become a woman who follows through on her goals. When you say you’ll do something, you’ll do it.

And this is something that I teach in more depth in my online workshop, Vision Voyage. I teach you how to create accountability for yourself, so that you can rely on your promises to yourself and follow through on the goals you set.

So to become your own best friend and to start enjoying your own company, you must accept yourself and trust yourself.

Then remember to be kind to yourself in the process! Learning how to accept and trust yourself takes time. Give yourself the space and grace to learn. Don’t beat yourself up as you become a new woman who enjoys her own company.

Your best friend wouldn’t put you down, so why would you? Continue to speak words of encouragement to yourself. Don’t stop if you fail - keep going. Failure is not a full stop; it’s a stepping stone to greatness.

When You Enjoy Your Own Company

Women who enjoy their own company accept themselves, trust themselves, and are kind to themselves. They face obstacles with grace because they know that they’ll grow from it and become better for it. They are excited about their day because they can have fun with themselves. They have a curiosity for life and they find enjoyment in the little joys of life.

They don’t focus on what’s wrong in their life; they look for what’s going right. They are curious about themselves - they love to learn, they love to discover new things about themselves, and they like to expose themselves to new perspectives and experiences.

Women who enjoy their own company are lighthearted; they can find humor in situations and they can laugh at themselves.

What a wonderful way to live your life - as someone who enjoys her own company, right? Regardless of who you’re with or what’s going on around you, you can find solace in yourself, knowing that you’re fully loved, trusted, and accepted. You won’t ever be bored because your own mind fascinates you and makes you laugh and smile. It sounds like the beginning of a beautiful romance, doesn’t it?

Cheers darling,